Templates by Year's End
by Jane Doe
Summary: Finished [GS] Bringing in the New Year! Please rr.
1. That Game We Play

**Templates by the Year's End**

****_By Jane Doe_

Disclaimer: I do not have any part in the ownership of CSI. 

Author's Note: This is partly the product of reflection and a need for basic resolution, but made mostly to get my mind away from other things. I know you may be wondering how a fic can be both angst and funny without the author having a sick sense of humor. Well, I don't think that is the case...but I wrote it. : D Anyway, I hope this humor fic holds up well against the mold, as does the angst I slid into it. Please take the time to send a review if you can. Thanks. 

**Ch. 1: That Game We Play. **[sara pov] 

Nick Stokes has been my friend since we met almost four years prior, but right now I'm so miserable I'm wondering if it wasn't a conspiracy from the beginning. When I consider Nick's personality, it really is no surprise that he called us together on the eve of the new year to play a "friendly" game of cards. However I surprised myself by showing up. I was promised it would just be me, Warrick, and Nick but got Catherine and Grissom as icing on the cake. I think you can understand my moodiness. 

Looking at Nick now, I think I know why he wanted us together though. He's always thought it was his job to make everyone happy. Most recently he has taken the task to an extreme. With his cases he seems more apt to build a relationship with the victim's families even if they are only temporary and time consuming. I thought perhaps his behavior was due to the promotion he and I are aiming for. It would set him apart from me, certainly, but as a friend I'm really worried it's going to do more harm than good in the long run. This job isn't glamorous and it doesn't always bring the resolution the family or we want. I'm just concerned Nick may get pulled in too many directions at once by playing hero. 

Back to the point, we all had simply grown apart. Although I consider Nick a close friend, we have become strictly business nowadays. Catherine and I can't seem to connect without butting heads first. Something has been eating away at Warrick too, but he's not forthcoming. And finally, Grissom and I haven't shared an enjoyable conversation in months. The distance between us is so great though I don't want anything to do with him. 

"I just wanted to start a new tradition, man. Now quit buggin' me." Nick explains breaking me from my thoughtful reverie. 

"Hey, I'm all for it. Anything that allows me to play cards while on duty is fine with me." Warrick says sitting down between me and Catherine. 

"I'm glad you rounded us up, too. I think we can all realize how far we've distanced ourselves." Catherine says softly. 

Nick gives this cowboy calendar smile. "Well, thanks." 

I resist the urge to sigh with annoyance. Leave it to her to state the painfully obvious and feel special about it. Been there done that, Cath. Got anything worth listening to? 

I shouldn't be so bitter. She's really a good person with good intentions. Listen to me, I feel guilty for having thoughts! 

I glance at my watch. I hope this doesn't take long. I don't know how long I can keep up the false pretenses _and_ regulate my thoughts. Who knows, maybe I can make up an excuse to get out of here after the New Year toast. That's three hours away though. Damn. 

"Got somewhere else to be Sara?" Warrick asks tapping on the back of my chair. 

When I look up, Grissom has stopped shuffling the cards and is staring at me. I meet his eyes challengingly, but he drops his eyes continuing to shuffle. I turn to Warrick. 

"Oh, no." I say. "Just checking the time." 

And how long I'll last under Grissom's watchful eyes, I add silently. 

"What's everyone doing for New Year's tomorrow?" Nick asks looking around the table. 

"Lindsay and I are going shopping." 

Nick nods. "Warrick, what you doing?" 

"Nothing. I usually helped down at the rec-center. They did a meal program for the community." 

He pauses. 

We all remember what happened. 

He shrugs it off nicely. "I suppose I finally get to enjoy the day relaxing." 

"Sara?" Nick prods. 

For some reason my eyes immediately go to Grissom. His head is down and he continues to ignore me with great ease. I want to say something daring to see if I can get a response out of him. But why bother? I'd rather just go unnoticed. Right? 

"I don't know." I say truthfully. "It's my first New Year's Day off work." 

"Oh no what will she do?" he teases. 

I smile scornfully, yet playfully. "Shut up, Nick." 

His smile widens in a familiar brotherly way. "Yes ma'am. You have any plans Grissom?" 

He finally peels his eyes from the deck of cards. "Work, as usual. The start of the new year's murder cases." 

"Well, that's a perfect picture you've painted for us." Catherine drips with sarcasm. "Don't hold back, after all it is a holiday and we aren't supposed to be happy." 

We all smile except Grissom. 

"Shall we play cards?" He asks looking at each of us. 

I have the feeling he doesn't want to be here. He isn't on call like Warrick and Nick in case anything happens tonight, but usually he would have stayed at CSI anyway. I wonder why he came. Catherine may have gotten him here but something else had to draw him. I know it wasn't _me_. 

"Grissom, if you shuffle the cards one more time..." she says in a warning tone. 

He gives the deck of cards one last shuffle then deals without a word. 

"Thank you." She says leaning back in her chair holding her cards. "Thank you so much." 

I look over and she protectively guards her hand. "No cheating Sara." 

"Why would I cheat at a game I don't even like or care to win?" I ask suddenly aware of how wrong that came out. She doesn't seem to notice. 

Warrick chuckles. "Sounds like someone can't play poker." 

I frown and look at my cards. "It's a game of chance and therefore no skill is necessary." 

"Yup, she can't play." Nick says arranging his cards. "It's like this Sara. If you've got skill you can bluff and win the pot. That has nothing to do with chance." 

"It has something to do with chance." I say it nonchalantly, but when it catches Grissom attention I try to make my case. "It takes five people to play a good game of poker. The odds that everyone has nothing are slim, as well as the odds that everyone is holding a winning hand. The majority of the time three players will fold and two remain if the stakes are high. I agree that good bluffing can lead to a win but it is really about the odds against and for you." 

Nick stares at me so blankly I cannot resist a tired smile. 

"Two things: you suck the life out of a fun opportunity and in the end you agreed with me. No wonder Grissom calls you stubborn." 

I turn to Grissom surprised by the slip. He continues to concentrate on his hand. I always knew he thought of me as stubborn, but he actually told someone? Even if it was just thinking out loud and Nick accidentally heard, for Grissom such an act is like admitting a feeling or thought with witnesses. Strange. Things just got really strange. 

Grissom suddenly looks at me again and begins to talk but I can't hear him. 

"Earth to Sara." Nick touches my arm. 

I blink back to this space and time. "Yeah Nick." 

He laughs. "How many cards you want?" 

"Oh..." I glance at my cards. "Um, four." 

"Are you sure?" Grissom asks in a superior tone. 

I glare at him. I know he's supposed to be a great poker wizard but for some reason it bothers me that he can just dismiss what I want (double meaning intended). 

"Yes. I want four." I finally say. 

"It's a good idea to keep some cards. Using your own argument, your chances of getting four cards that are useful are very slim." 

I press my lips into a thin line. "Thanks for the tip Grissom but I want four." 

He meets me with his own glare of stubbornness. Warrick clears his throat sensing the tension that has crept into existence. 

"Give the lady four." Warrick says merrily. "And I'll take one." 

Four cards are laid in front of me without so much as a second glance. Oh this seems familiar. He is ignoring me. 

"How was everyone's Christmas?" Warrick asks sending a bright thoughtful smile in my direction. "I went to my Gram's for the best food in Las Vegas after a delightful shift with Grissom." 

"Did you get your cheeks pinched?" Catherine teases. 

"Yes but not the cheeks on my face," he says aligning his cards. "You got to understand, my Grams is always trying to set me up. She couldn't understand why I didn't want to leave my seat the whole time I was there." 

I let myself smile. Warrick always knew how to make me laugh when Grissom upset me, a case got to me, or like now when I need the attention away from me. I wonder if he knows how much I appreciate the notion. 

"Well how long have you been out of the dating scene? It can't be too long." Catherine asks. 

"Oh now we're going there?" 

She shrugs. "Just making pleasant conversation." 

"I think we'll leave that topic as it lies." He smiles dropping a dime on the center of the table. "If you like to continue this conversation behind closed doors..." 

"You wish." She throws him a sexy smile. "You ever play strip poker War?" 

We all seem to loosen up a bit and allow ourselves to eagerly watch the scene play out. 

Warrick begins to blush. "_You_ wish, Catherine." 

Nick whistles. "Is it getting really hot in here?" 

"Can we play cards?" Grissom's annoyed voice cuts through the old familiarity. "Who's in?" 

"Ah the Jack of All Trades speaks." Catherine says sarcastically. "Have you ever played strip poker Gris?" 

"No." His tone is flat, without emotion. 

"I bet _you_ wish you have." 

He seems embarrassed and shocked by the implications. I think Catherine may have crossed another narrow line. They all try they're best to fight back the laughter, but once Nick's chucking breaks through they all fall victim, even me. I cannot remember when I laughed with such an image in my head without wondering how it would affect me later. It's relieving somehow. If Catherine did cross a line I think it was worth it. 

Then, I catch a moment's glimpse. I'm not even sure it happened, it was that quickly gone. 

"Let's just play." He says reverting his focus back at his cards. 

Everyone quiets down as they examine their hand except me. I shake my head. It must have been my imagination. Yeah, it was all wishful thinking because Grissom hasn't smile that big at me for a least a year. I was just wishful thinking. 

Right? 

_tbc_ 


	2. Finding Our Solid Ground

A/N: Well here we are with the next piece in a timely fashion. Thank you for the feedback. Please don't hesitate to continue since it helps to press me for the next chapter! }:^D Enjoy! 

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**Ch. 2: Finding Our Solid Ground.** [nick pov] 

"Well gentlemen it was nice doing business with you." I say singing a silent victory song in my head. It was the second game I had won. 

Sara folded each time the cards were dealt, which seemed to draw Grissom's attention every time. Maybe that is what she is attempting to do. Normally they would ignore each other's presence almost automatically, so maybe any attention is better than none at all. 

Although as I watch them now, I could be tricked into saying Grissom is finally enjoying her company again and Sara may have changed her mind to stay longer. It is often hard to say since they can shift so easily from good to bad and bad to worse. Of course, I really don't blame Sara for any of it. She's has a lot to deal with and Grissom doesn't seem to care. However, it isn't my place to have such an opinion. Grissom could be having a hard time and hide it well. Whatever their problems may be, the wounds obviously run deep. I can only hope for the some contact before it gets any worse. 

Back to the game, Catherine's bark was worst than her bite so she dropped out from three of the games and lost the other two. It was just me, Warrick, and Grissom. Grissom won the largest pot, but Warrick beat his bluff on the second smaller loot. Then I had a winning streak of two great hands. In the end my full house beat them into the ground making me almost four dollars richer. 

"I need a drink." Catherine got up from the table. "Anyone else want anything?" 

I lay my cards down. "I'm running the bar tonight, Catherine. It is my house, remember?" 

"Then I'll have vodka with lemon twists." 

"Okay. Sara? Warrick? Gris, do you want something to drink? I have red wine, Crown Royal, Vodka, and I think there may be some beer in the fridge." 

"You're not a secret drinker are you?" Warrick asks dryly. 

"No. Do you remember the Halloween party the office had? The one we all chipped in to rent a dinning hall? The one no one went to but me?" A series of nods went around the table. "We split up the excess and took it home." 

"Ah. Well, a Crown Royal and coke would be nice but..." he glances at Grissom. "I'll wait until later when I get off shift." 

I chuckle because I too have the night on call. At the sudden thought, I hope that no one dies tonight, but for other reasons other than ruining my party. "Sara?" 

"I haven't had anything to eat all day so alcohol isn't the best idea. I'll pass, Nick." 

Grissom, Catherine, and Warrick look at her with troubled expressions. To tell you the truth, I'm a little worried too. "You are welcome to eat something from the kitchen." I suggest lightheartedly. 

She hesitates but I'm pleased when she takes the offer. 

"You know the way to the kitchen --right around the corner." I say. 

She nods and leaves the table while I get the rest of the orders. 

"Grissom, name your poison." 

"Just a beer. Thanks Nick." 

I set off to my modest liquor cabinet where the drinks are. I can't help but notice when I get there that everyone has become quiet again. What the hell was I thinking when I thought of having them _all_ over at the _same_ time on New Year's Eve to play a game of cards? I suppose things were running smoothly during the first hand but after that we all lost our interest. It was like we didn't have anything else to say. It's kind of a shame. I was really enjoying our light banter. 

Usually I could rely on Warrick for a good ribbing to get things started. I mean I do have all these tonics in big value sizes; he could have given me a hard time. But lately even Warrick has not been himself. 

For instance, his cool attitude that everything can and will go smoothly has taken a beating. He has had a rough start, and he hasn't been the same since. His change may not be noticeable to the others, but Warrick and I go back. I still remember the time we would play video games in the lounge. Now I'm lucky if I see him before he goes home. 

God, we really need this time together. How is it possible for five people who work for twelve hours together grow apart? 

"How are those drinks coming, Nick?" Catherine calls to me. 

"They're comin'. You can deal the next hand." I say walking to the kitchen for the lemons. 

I meet Sara bent over in front of my refrigerator. "You have nothing." 

"I have plenty, just nothing for a rabbit." 

I escape her venomous stare with my life. As I start to add the lemon to Catherine's drink, I realize I forgot Grissom's beer while I was in the kitchen. I glance up. Grissom is fiddling with the cards again, and Catherine sends him a warning stare he doesn't even know is upon him. He is probably just nervous or tense about being here with us --being here with Sara. Then like someone smacked me from behind, a wonderful awful idea comes to mind. 

"Hey Grissom? I kind of got my hands full. Let Warrick or Catherine deal, and run into the kitchen to get your beer. Bottom shelf in the back." 

He seems confused. Yes I know Sara is in the kitchen, and soon you will be too. At least some words will be exchanged. I can only hope for a good response. 

Without a word he rises gingerly from his chair and goes to the kitchen. 

"How long do you give them?" Catherine asks Warrick taking the cards in her hands. 

He looks toward the kitchen then directly at Catherine. "Um...seven minutes." 

"I give it ten and when they come back they won't talk to each other the rest of the day." 

"The rest of the week." He says noting the time to start the clock. 

Catherine smirks into her hand. "Hell, make it a month. It's Grissom _and_ Sara." 

Warrick finally breaks into a chuckle. "You want to hear something funny?" 

I come back to the table brimming with hope that this could turn out to be a good tradition after all; a chance to get caught up and revitalize friendships. I hand Catherine her drink and sit down. 

"As I told you before, I was the ultimate bookworm-wanna-be-cool in school. Anyway there was this girl, Gloria her name was, and I thought she was really out of my league. I mean she was totally gorgeous. I watched her everywhere she went. I just seemed to glaze over when she was close by. It was pathetic. Well to make a long story short, she noticed me staring at her during lunch before school let out for summer vacation. She comes up to me. I'm afraid she would be upset that I wouldn't quit staring at her, but as she got closer, it was like I wasn't myself anymore." 

He pauses. 

"Come on, what happened?" Catherine asks sipping her drink. "What did Rico Suave do next?" 

"I told her how beautiful she was and...she kissed me. It was that simple." He glances over his shoulder. 

Catherine smiles into the distance. "Yeah, now if someone would clue in those two." 

I shake my head. "I don't know if it can be so simple with them anymore." 

She snorts at me. "Who are you the love doctor? Grissom just needs to make up his mind and kiss her. She'll cave because she feels the same way." 

"I'm not so sure." I repeat, but the decide to bring attention back to a safer subject. "Hey didn't you tell me this story before Warrick? Isn't this the one where some bigger kid came up behind you and gave you an enormous wedgie?" 

He smiles. "Oh man, it is the one. I should have never told you." 

"Well you did so tell Catherine the rest before I take it upon myself." I laugh. 

"There is more?" She asks. 

"Let's just say he found out Spider-man underwear in the junior high is not very cool, and never cool when you are romancing a girl." 

Warrick and I burst out laughing. Catherine sends a confused look at Warrick before adding her giggles to the ranks. 

"She wouldn't talk to me again after that day." Warrick says between the laughter. "I would hope Grissom doesn't have that problem though." 

"The painful wedgie or the underwear?" 

"For Sara's sake," he begins. "Both." 

We all laugh ourselves into another spell of giggles and chuckles. We aren't really laughing at the complications they are having, but falling slowly back into our old selves again. Besides I think they would have enjoyed the joke and definitely enjoyed Warrick's story. 

As the laughter tapers off Catherine says, "Well that's a sweet story, Warrick. First loves and crushes are always good stories." 

"I'm sure you have a couple. I'll call it even if you tell us one." 

"That is a long and dusty road." 

"That hasn't been treaded on for many moons." I tease in an Indian voice. 

Just then Grissom and Sara walk in with eyes down. Warrick glances at his watch mouthing to Catherine it has been eight minutes. 

"Find anything good to eat?" I introduce a cheery voice to get us back on track. If we can just relax around each other and forget about the happenings of the passed few months, maybe we can get back on track. I mean that for all of us, not just Grissom and Sara. 

"Barely." Sara answers pushing her food around with her fork. "What was so funny?" 

Catherine and Warrick smile at me. 

"Nothing." I say. 

She shrugs and the conversation dies. 

I turn to Grissom. "Find your beer, Gris?" 

"Yes." 

I look from Sara to Grissom, who are equally full of apprehension due to the other. The truth is they might dismiss each other, but they only fool themselves. They know exactly where the other half is at all times. 

_tbc_ 


	3. Bud wise er or Grissom no wise er?

A/N: I'm glad everyone is enjoying this. Please continue the feedback! Thank you! 

**Ch. 3: Bud-wise-er or Grissom-no wise-er?** [gris pov] 

I enter the brightly lit kitchen unnoticed. Sara has her back to me washing something in the sink. I'm somewhat shocked by her degree of comfort in a coworker's home. Nick certainly doesn't mind her wandering around either. She cannot visit too often though. When she arrived she was more professional and only now becoming slightly comfortable with her surroundings. Then again it could be her current state of mind, or a combination of both. 

She seems so isolated anymore. Every time I look in her direction, she seems so far out of reach as if she is wandering an oasis on another world. The others have noticed too. I know this because they tell me. Every so often after a case is finished, Nick or occasionally Catherine will come to me with their concerns. They say she's really quiet and distant most of the time as if something is really bothering her. Warrick is the only one not forthcoming about his time with Sara, but I've begun to notice that he is more watchful and protecting in his own way. Luckily, she doesn't seem to mind most of the time. 

It is ridiculous that I need my team members to spy on someone I should be observing myself. I am her supervisor, aren't I? It's not my place to be her security, but I should be there if she needs to talk or help getting through a case. Perhaps, she has finally reached the burnout point I stressed about when she came to Vegas. I've seen it happen. However, it is also conceivably possible that her current mood has nothing to do with work and a lot to do with me personally. Yes, even I cannot be so blind. 

I won't even go near her anymore. The distance apart was working to my advantage until I realized I lost exactly what I treasured. I miss her beside me, I miss the level of compatibility we share, and I miss her mind working in tune with my own. If she only knew how much I miss her. 

When we do collide she's always a step ahead of me ready to surprise me with her words. Regardless of the topic she always says something to catch me off guard. The first example that comes to mind is the invitation to dinner. It was too sudden and definitely at the wrong time for me. What was I supposed to say? There were just too many things happening. I couldn't handle it all at once. Of course, I didn't try for her sake or for my own, and I'm reminded of this almost daily. 

You know, she claims she talks too much around me but honestly I think it just seems that way because I remain so silent. Any of the things circling through my head right now could have been said and she would have understood. 

I smile ironically to myself. So much could have been spared if I only... 

"Nick, you know you're supposed to clean the refrigerator at least once in awhile, don't you?" She asks drying her hands on a dish towel. 

"Uhit's just me." I croak. 

She turns around and for an instant I see a spark of surprise in her eyes, and then it is gone. She drops her eyes, and moves to the island counter. 

"Did you find something?" I ask urging my feet to move toward the fridge (I actually didn't notice they stopped). 

"Well I found a cucumber that seems fresh enough." 

"You should eat more than a cucumber if you haven't eaten all day." 

Finally she'll look at me. "This will suffice." 

I let it go. It is much safer to agree than to argue. I open the refrigerator. She seems to be right: there isn't much in here, less for a vegetarian, and cleaning it out may not be a bad idea. Sure enough on the bottom shelf in the back is a half empty six pack. I grab one beer and close the door. 

In silence, I move around the kitchen looking for a bottle opener. Not here. Or here. Where...? Without a word she steps in front of me taking my drink away from me. With a hard twist, she removes the cap and hands the bottle back to me. 

"They don't really sell the bottle cap beers anymore. They are all twist caps." She shrugs. "It is really too bad because the seal is weaker and the beer doesn't taste as good after any long amount of time, but I guess when you're trying to get drunk you can always get the next one opened faster if it doesn't require a bottle opener." 

"Thanks." I say. "I don't really indulge too often on beer." 

"Let me guess, you're a scotch man and you probably like it neat." 

I can't help but be impressed. "Very good." 

She simply turns back to her slicing as if I'm not standing there. As I begin to turn away I have to stop myself. It's my turn to impress her. I put my hand over hers taking the knife. Her hand is cool compared to my own. 

"You shouldn't saw through your food. See you're loosing all the watery insides and seeds. If you slide the blade towards you in one motion there is less mess." 

I hand the knife back to her after demonstrating. She takes it slightly uncertain of something. 

"Not to mention, the less slippery your hand becomes the less likely you'll get cut." I raise an eyebrow. 

"Thanks. I'm not really an expert on the subject." 

I point to her hand. "I noticed. You've got slicing scars on your left hand." 

We both smile a nervous smile, but it seems familiar. We are pleased with each other's deductions like not so long ago. 

"Well thank you for the tip." 

I nod. "I wouldn't want such a good CSI to get hurt." 

She pauses. "No I guess not." 

She finishes quickly, a bit too quickly without looking at me. She retrieves a bottle of salad dressing before dumping a select portion on the sliced halves now residing in a bowl. Suddenly I feel like an outsider or a complete stranger. The air in the kitchen isn't as it was a few seconds ago. 

Her sudden shift in mood makes me nervous. What did I do? What do I do? 

"Do you need help cleaning up?" I say in a strained voice, no longer sure of myself. 

"No. I got it." She says shortly while wiping the countertop. She gets a fork, then walks passed me towards the living room where a burst of hearty laughter originates. 

When we get back to the poker table they know something might be wrong but don't say anything. After a few questions from our host we start our game again. No one speaks for the next three hands. I really don't mind and no one else seems to care either. Sometimes too much talking ruins the game. I know light banter leads to insightful facts that can win a game, but after what happened in the kitchen I don't want the noise. 

I glance around the table and don't know why I'm here anymore. Nick asked me to come before Halloween so I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. I marked the date down to appease him and Catherine, who by the way told me it would be good for me. Little did I know how the weeks would unfold and how horrible it can be to attend a social poker game. 

"It's almost eleven o'clock. Do you want me to see if Dick Clark has a report from New York?" Nick asks after the long break of silence. Even his voice seems wilted by our lapse into tense silence. 

"Sure, I love Dick and watching the ball drop." Catherine says, then begins to giggle. "There are two words I didn't think I'd use in the same sentence." 

"Think about what you just said period." 

I look up at the sound of Sara's voice. I didn't expect her to be so eager to jump into something that was clearly the opposite of her disposition. 

"You just said, 'I love _Dick_ and watching the _ball_ drop' ." 

Warrick and Nick chuckle under their breath. Even I cannot resist a smile. Sometimes Catherine likes to relax too much when alcohol is offered. 

"Okay, so maybe that wasn't exactly the right thing to say but his balls are legendary." 

Warrick and Nick are the first to go doubling over the table in fits of laughter. 

"Catherine!" Sara scolds but without much conviction. Soon she starts giggling so hard her face turns a lighter shade of pink. It makes me pause in my own mirth to appreciate her beauty. I can't believe only minutes ago she seemed so miserable. Maybe the quiet lapse helped us calm down and fall back into a light mood again. 

"Grissom could you hand me the remote?" Nick asks tapping me out of my gaze as he wipes the tears from his eyes. 

I hand him one of a series of remote controls, while Catherine tries yet again to recover from her sentence blunders. 

"I was referring to the thousands of dollars put into the light effects for the New Year's Ball." She takes a deep breath. "There got through a whole statement without a mouthful of Dick's and balls." 

Sara leaned on Nick for support as she held her sides while Warrick shook his head in amazement. 

"I think that was on purpose." I say trying to sound disapprovingly but when I chuckle lightly into my hand, it really doesn't sound too convincing. 

Catherine raises her head from the table and dabs at the corners of her eyes. "Okay, that was premeditated but the other two were by pure accident." 

Nick turns on the large television soon showing a endlessly growing crowd in New York's Times Square. "Look at all those people." 

"I was there once." Warrick says staring at the screen. 

Sara turns in her chair, avoiding me as I watch her. "Really? Me too." 

Now I realize she's trying to push away what happened in the kitchen, or everything while she is forced to be here. This casts a solemn dismal feeling over me. If she's hiding how she actually feels, then it must be really bad. Sara was always the person who would suffer alone rather than trouble others with her problems (a lot like me). 

"Yeah it was elbow to elbow people and freezing cold." Warrick says breaking my train of thought. 

"The confetti is amazing though. The whole show is breathtaking." She mentions. "I went once thought it was enough for me though." 

"Who did you go with, Sara?" Nick asks. 

"College friends. It was fun, but it's like Warrick said, there are just so many people." She got up and disappeared into the kitchen with her empty bowl. 

"Who did you go with Warrick?" 

"Oh, I went with my sophomore girlfriend. We got separated twice because of the people. It's crazy man." 

"I bet." Nick turned the volume down but kept it on. "Well we got an hour to go before bringing in the New Year." 

Warrick starts toward the kitchen. "What do you have for snacks, Nick?" 

Nick gets up slowly. "Let's go see. Do you two want anything?" 

"No thanks, Nick." I say. 

Catherine shakes her head as she rises from her chair. 

I decide I should stretch as well. These foldout chairs aren't really that comfortable for sitting in for long periods of time. I think my whole rear end is numb. 

"You know I really think this has been a rough year for all of us." 

I turn to Catherine. She is sitting quite peacefully in a large overly stuffed recliner. I decide to listen to what she has to say. She can really talk a lot about nothing, but she also has great insights to practically any situation you could get into. Her personality is almost as if it was written for some television show. 

"Eddie died in the spring, Hank cheated on Sara a few weeks later, the lab blew up and Greg got hurt, Warrick's credibility was put to the test, Nick leaked important information on a serial murder, and you..." 

She looks over at me. 

"And you didn't tell the team about your hearing loss, and as far as I know you don't plan to..." 

"It's resolved Catherine. There is no reason to tell them now." I whisper but somehow I'm still stuck on the part where Hank cheated on Sara. I heard that was the case and thought it was true, but it's different when it is said as a fact. 

"Well you should have told them in May." She allows her head to drop back. "Especially Sara. She should've been there or at least know." 

I'm taken aback by her advice. Catherine of all people know it is different with Sara. I quickly shake it off though. Her statement is further testament to the alcohol in her system. She probably doesn't even know half of what she thinks she knows. 

"Anyway those are just the headliners. That is still not to mention the small everyday tragedies that made the year worse." She touches her throbbing temples. "A rough year indeed." 

I frown, thinking about it. Yes I suppose it has been particularly an off season for everyone. Almost as if everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I collapse onto the sofa in deep thought about the mistakes I've made and the hardships that have occurred. I don't know how long I sat there hung on the past, but before I knew it Nick returned to suggest one more round of cards to reclaim his money. 

_tbc_ 


	4. Lulling By on Time

A/N: Thank you to those that reviewed. I know this is really running late. Sorry, but btwn my beta's busy schedule and my own gaining momentum there hasn't been much time for this fic. Yet, I hope it's worth it in the end which is near I promise. 

**Ch. 4: Lulling by on Time.** [cath pov] 

"Come on Nick, I think we're all a little tired of playing poker." I say keeping my eyes closed and my head back. I do believe I'll need a designated driver tonight. The headache I had all day is thriving quite nicely with the four glasses of wine I had in addition to the lemon vodka. 

"Okay, what do you suggest?" 

"Sleep." I mutter. "This is the first day off I've had since Christmas and I'm exhausted." 

"Jeeze tell me about it." 

I open my eyes in time to see Warrick plop down on the carpeted floor beside my chair. "We're a lively bunch." I say smiling at him. 

"Hey did y'all hear about the murder down in Florida back in August?" Nick asks sitting on the opposite end of the couch where Grissom still seems to be fighting with his thoughts. 

Nick clears his throat to get our attention. "Well this older woman down in Florida was found dead in her bedroom..." 

Sara comes in from the kitchen with a modest glass of white wine in her hand halting Nick's story. 

"Party's in here Sara." I call to her as she passes the poker table. "Where did you get the wine?" 

"Oh...Nick found some chilled in the refrigerator." She looks at the spot between Grissom and Nick unsure of its security. Before she can pull up a chair, Nick pats the seat by him on the sofa. 

"Come sit so I can tell them my story." 

She acts like the seat will bite her if she sits down. It's just a seat, Sara. 

"Sara?" Nick asks touching her arm. "You okay?" 

"Uh...fine." She answers. Realizing that it would be worse if she sat anywhere else when Nick clearly suggested the seat next to him, she slowly took her seat next to Grissom and Nick. Grissom snaps out of his current daze and tries to make more room so they don't touch. 

What the hell happened to you two? 

"Anyhow," Nick starts again. "this older woman was found dead in her bedroom with no sign of forced entry or struggle. With really nothing to go on except for an empty beer bottle by the bed and the strange fact that the deceased is slightly damp and the bed sheets are wet, they begin to believe the case will remained unsolved." 

"She was wet?" Sara asks, confused and still nowhere near Grissom despite the fact that they are on the same sofa. 

Nick's eyes light up. "Strange, I know. They send a sample back to the lab and it's identified as a simple mixture of perspiration and water. Then a few days later the coroner's report comes back saying she died of exposure." 

"Was she moved?" Grissom now asks, peering beyond Sara to Nick. 

"No. She just seemed to died peacefully in her sleep. On a whim, the investigator ordered a tox screening to see if someone didn't poison her beer. Guess what he finds? The active ingredient in sleeping aids --the woman was a life long insomniac." 

"So it was poison." Warrick says cautiously. "How did she die of exposure then?" 

"No it wasn't poison. The dosage was the same she's been taking for the last fifty years or so, which was prescribed by a doctor. So, now the investigators are stuck." He holds up a hand. "But they also overlooked the obvious. The woman drank the beer with her medicine to ease her into sleep a little better and this was verified by her children when they were interviewed. Secondly the day she was found, it was almost one hundred degrees Fahrenheit outside, and her apartment/condo was about the same inside. The thermostat was set at roughly sixty degrees but it never kicked on. No one thought anything of it. They just figured the old maid was too hard up for money to get it fixed. That wasn't the case. When they checked the surrounding apartments the whole place lost air conditioning sometime the night before." 

He pauses and looks around before continuing. "It turned out the air conditioning unit in the DB's place went haywire where the temperature possibly plunged below freezing. Add the presence of alcohol and sleeping pills..." 

"Human popsicle." Grissom smirks. "And the heat from the next day melted her, leaving behind wet sheets and damp skin." 

"Exactly." Nick's grin stretches almost ear to ear. "Weird case, huh?" 

"I would have got it." I say halfheartedly. "Where was this in Florida anyway? It wouldn't be Miami by any chance?" 

"Yeah, but how did you know?" 

"Never mind." I just let my head fall back again with a smile on my face. Before too long in the lapse of silence now filling the room, I begin to think once again of the year already gone. It can get really depressing if you've got nothing to look forward to. I'd hate to be that way. I've always loved the holidays though and New Year may be my favorite next to Christmas. Yeah, I think that sounds right... 

Something nudges my leg. "Got much on your mind?" 

I look at Warrick with honest eyes. "Nope, just thinking about this passed year." 

Grissom shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Sara refuses to notice his presence right next to her. I think I'm not the only one running over the events of the year. 

"But I was also stuck on my love for New Year and Christmas." I add looking back to Warrick. "Christmas has always been a favorite and New Year appeals to me because of the 'out with the old, and in the with new' theme." 

"Sounds like you." Nick says. "Let's see you're bossy and sometimes headstrong. Keep moving forward no matter what is your motto. That fits you perfectly." 

I chuckle at this, because I guess he is right and for good reasons. I got this far didn't I? Hell yes I did. Sometimes I know I may be sliding a toe or two over the line, but I do what needs to be done when I want it done. Nick and Sara, especially Sara, made me realize how far I got while overstepping in the high profile case just weeks ago. I tried to explain to Sara, to make her see where I was coming from and I don't think I got exceptionally far. The case seems to have placed a building wedge between us. Yet I have always been this way: push forward, get things done, and never look back. 

"What about you Grissom? Any favorite time of year?" Nick asks breaking me out of my spell. 

Grissom looks around. "I guess I like this time of year since I have to choose." 

"Thanksgiving is definitely a favorite for me." Nick says with a smile. "Between the best southern food and the time spent catching up with family, it is my favorite." 

Warrick laughs. "It's funny, but I can see you as playing Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny." 

"Hey a few years ago it just so happened that I was the Easter Bunny. I remember roasting alive in that darn suit. The kids were hyped up on pounds of sugar, so you can image how miserable I was. It wasn't that fun for me to say the least. Besides, Thanksgiving really is the start of the whole holiday sequence." He nods at Warrick. "You haven't told us yours." 

"I don't really have a preference, but every year I kinda look forward to Fourth of July hot dogs, hamburgers, casseroles, fireworks, and hot summer days." 

"Sounds great." I say blinking slowly. I glance over to Sara, who has her head slightly down and averted away from Grissom. "What's your favorite holiday Sara?" 

She twitches to life. "I'm not a big fan of the holidays, Catherine." 

"Why?" Nick asks before I can. 

She stares off for a moment before saying, "I never really liked them to tell you the truth." 

"How could anyone _not_ like the holidays?" 

She looks at Nick with tired eyes and complies by pressing on. "When I was younger the holidays were always pretty bad. My parents couldn't decide what religion, if any, was right for them so we usually didn't celebrate on the right days or about the traditional things. Come to think of it, Christmas was the only one we celebrated annually and with something of a tradition. But I think they did it because of me and my brother." 

"What about now?" I prod. 

She finally looks at me. "Now? Now, I don't really think about it." 

For some reason I don't think that is the case at all. I see Sara as someone who would think about passed events a lot more than I would, and the holidays are when we think the most. Maybe it has nothing to do with willpower but everything to do with not knowing how to forget. 

"Oh you have to have one favorite holiday." Warrick insists. 

"Or at least a good memory of one." Grissom says chancing a long look at her. 

Her eyes lock with his for a second or two and she really hesitates. 

"Okay. It was during Christmas break at my grandmother's when her part of California got a freak snowfall. I was about..." She squints. "Ten or eleven? I remember the weatherman saying it was the coldest year in a decade. Anyway, I couldn't wait to get outside no matter how cold it was. I do remember being really hot and claustrophobic in all the snow clothes so when I stepped outside, the cold hit my face in a great wave and some kind of relief washed over me. We played all day until we were called in for the night. I lingered behind unable to bring the day to an end. All the sound died and I...I just fell back in the cold snow. I could hear my mother's voice in my head telling me I was going to get sick, but I didn't care. I was trying to hold on the last patches of snow that created such a perfect day. It was too wonderful to let go." She glances around to each of our faces finally resting on Grissom's. "Is that good enough?" 

"Perfect." He says simply. 

Personally, I think she was rushing through it and she didn't seem too enthused but who am I to judge? Anyway, it seems to soften her somewhat towards whatever happened earlier in the kitchen, because she smiles ironically while turning away from him. 

"Hey Catherine, do you think we can watch Dick Clark without any comments about him or his balls?" She asks trying to get back to a safer lighter subject. 

"Yeah, sure." I say with a smile. "Turn the television set up, Nicky. It's almost time anyway." 

The volume goes up. Forty-three minutes and counting folks. I look around the room and realize that maybe this year will hold something a little brighter for each of us. I hope so anyway. 

_tbc_ 


	5. Ask Not, Want Not

A/N: I've decided to post the last chapters in one big chunk b/c of time and well...whatever. 

**Ch. 5: Ask Not, Want Not** [warrick pov] 

"So Grissom, what's with the beard?" I ask motioning to his face. 

"What do you mean?" 

"You heard him." Catherine says touching her chin. "What made you decide to grow a beard?" 

"I had no idea it bothered anyone that much." 

Nick turns away from the TV screen to look at Grissom. "I don't think it's that bad. It just takes some getting used to." 

"Yeah." I agree nodding. 

"You two are men, you're opinion doesn't really have any basis on appearance." Catherine says chuckling. 

"Hey! We can appreciate good looks!" Nick exclaims. 

"In women, but face it when it comes to other men you could really care less." 

We look at each other and shrug. "I guess you're right." 

"Well then Sara, what do you think of Grissom's new beard?" Nick asks turning to her. 

She looks at Grissom without any interest. I've seen that face before. Every time we work together, she's got that look on her face. It doesn't do much for her either. Sara a very pretty woman when she smiles or has that bright look in her eyes. Someone should tell her. 

"It's his decision." She says. 

"We know it is his choice. We are asking what you think about it, since you're a woman." 

"Well I like clean shaven men, because it is hard to find a man that looks attractive with a full grown beard." She shrugs. "But I'm also used to his beard." 

"How can you be..." 

Grissom cuts Nick off. "I had a beard when I met her." 

"And shaved it a week later." Sara added watching the TV again. 

She really seems to be blocking out a lot tonight. I mean even more than usual. I worry about her. It's sad but I think Grissom may be responsible for all of it. He's a good guy but he doesn't have much regard for people's feelings. He tries to look at everything scientifically and logically. That is a good thing in our line of work and in the world, but when it comes to relationships the quality tends to set fire to everything it touches. 

Grissom has been trying to approach Sara like a puzzle, when he should just see her as a woman. Like I said, Sara is nice looking and she's got a great personality to match Grissom's. She can be stubborn and just as unrelenting, but he won't see that. It has been going on for too long and it is really showing in both of them. Personally I think Grissom should just do what I did with Gloria. He should tell Sara how much she means to him (he obviously cares a lot for her), and kiss her. Yet Nick had a point earlier --it may be too late now. 

"Well I agree, the beard has a becoming appearance for you." Catherine says suddenly suggesting I should drive her home tonight. "Not to mention it makes you act like a bad ass." 

"Catherine I do not act any differently with facial hair than I do without it." 

"Oh yeah you do." She looks around the room. "Must be all the testosterone concentrated in a fuzzy patch too close to your brain, because we can all vouched that you've changed a great deal over a few months." 

I smile at the thought. I look over at Sara and she is nodding in agreement, which makes my smile break into a laugh. 

"I'll disregard everything you say from now on." Grissom says dryly. 

"Fine." She says sitting up to look at her watch. "I'm going to call Lindsay at her slumber party to make sure things are going as smoothly as if I were there." 

Nick immediately takes Catherine's chair to stretch out, and as soon as Nick gets up Sara slides away to draw up her feet so they are between her and Grissom. 

"Anything you guys want to watch?" Nick says flipping through the channels. "Usually they have some kind of party thing on." 

I realize I'm the only one paying attention to what Nick just said. "Whatever you chose will be fine." 

As Nick surfs the channels, I notice Grissom staring at Sara again and sigh. 

When I turn back to the television for relief, Nick has stopped on an infomercial for workout equipment. "Looks like the advertising companies are taking advantage of the general resolution for the upcoming year." I say. 

"Yup." Nick sighs. "No one really keeps them anyway." 

"The gym equipment or the resolution?" 

He glances over a me. "Both." 

I nod. "True, but sometimes a New Year's commitment can change the whole year." 

"It would be the first I've heard of." Sara mumbles catching our attention. 

I frown at her. "Hey you got to see the good in a New Year's Resolution, not the fact that most aren't held throughout the year." 

She remains quiet. 

"Do you have one, Sara?" I ask trying to reach her again. 

"Run the Vegas Marathon." She says turning to me. 

I see something going on behind her eyes and wonder what she's really thinking. 

"You're no fun, Sara." Nick interrupts and my contact with her is lost in an instant. "My New Year's resolution is to leave more time for friendships, which are most important to me." 

I see my opportunity and take it. "That's a great resolution. Hey Gris, do you have one?" 

He knits his brow. "Not yet." 

"Not yet?" Sara asks suddenly. "Aren't you supposed to have these things planned?" 

"Don't worry, when I know you'll know." He says catching a glimpse of Catherine walking back towards us with a the bottle of wine from the kitchen and several glasses. 

"Hey, why did you change it the channel?" She takes the remote from Nick and turns it back to Clark, who is announcing we have four minutes to go. 

"How's Lindsay?" I ask her as she sets down the wine glasses and starts to pour the round of drinks. 

"Oh I got the third degree for calling because it was uncool. She's having fun and told me not to worry." She says passing out the wine to everyone but Sara because her glass is still half full. "Now before we set a foot in January first, I want to announce my resolution." 

I smirk over at Sara. She returns the favor, but her smile seems half-spirited. It's good enough, I say to myself turning my attention back to Catherine. 

"I plan to spend more time concentrating on the finer things in life. Lindsay and you all are my family, and I hope we have a better year ahead." 

"Here! Here!" We all bellow together, though some with less spunk than others. 

I raise my glass. "I vow to not get a single speeding ticket." 

They all laugh, because they all know how I can get behind the wheel of a car. 

"Does anyone else have one?" 

"I already told mine." Nick says. "I want to spend time strengthening friendships." 

"Another good one. Sara?" 

"Sara doesn't have one." I say with a wink in her direction. "Grissom, have you decided to promise what you want to promise the New Year?" 

He glances around the room, spending enough time one each of us. "No I haven't got one yet." 

"Yet?" Catherine shakes her head. "Well may you achieve it." 

We all raise our glasses in a toast as the countdown begins at ten seconds. 

_tbc_ 


	6. Coming to Terms

**Ch. 6: Coming to Terms [gris pov]**

Nick counts down with the clock as the ball descends downward. I look in Catherine's direction where she is merrily squeezed between Nick and Warrick. I couldn't ask for a better team of friends. I chance a look at Sara, who is slightly to the side of the huddle all by herself. I expect to see her full of excitement and joy (it is always how I pictured her welcoming the new year). Instead I'm forced to pause. She has her head down not looking at the television we are all standing in front of. No one seems to notice her current mood but me, which makes the moment even more precious. 

The lay of her hair across her shoulder and beside her face is suddenly very arousing. The layered spikes cut into her hair give it a unique appearance that look almost childish yet boldly sexual. Her downcast eyes are staring at the rim of her wine glass. She is thinking about something. I know her too well to dismiss her intense gaze to be the product of a blank mind. No she very deeply involved in thought. I wonder if she knows how gorgeous she looks right now. 

"Happy New Year!" Catherine screams making Sara jump and my concentration to break. "Grandfather Time get your ass out of the way and bring Baby New Year on in!" 

She rushes to kiss Warrick on the cheek, who returns the favor with a strong hug. 

"Made it through another year, girl!" Nick shouts to Sara above the loud noise of the television. I want to watch her reaction to the gayness of our friends but I lose track of her when Warrick jumps in front of me. 

"Happy New Year, Warrick." I say bringing my attention to the strong man before me. I take his offered hand and shake it vigorously. Shockingly, he pulls me into a brief hug. 

"Same to you Gris. It was a good year to leave behind." 

When he backs away from the embrace, I stare at him confused and uplifted by such a statement. I offer a small smile and he takes it quickly. 

"Happy New Year, Gil." Catherine says replacing his place. She wraps her arms around me without hesitation and kisses me on the cheek. "Make the moment count." 

I frown as she steps to the side to reveal Sara standing behind her. Oh she looks so...What do I do? Hug? Shake? Kiss? I swallow passed the newly formed lump in my throat. 

"Happy New Year, Sara." I finally manage to say stepping up to her. 

She smiles, but it's not the smile I'm accustomed to. The small crowd dissipates quickly and I'm thankful. Sara seems to appreciate the lack of attention as well, because it is then that she leans in to kiss me on the left cheek. 

Then she moves to my right cheek and deposits another tender kiss. 

"Happy New Year, Grissom." 

She starts to step away but as her hand slips down my arm I grab her wrist and lightly pull her back. I lean into her and I'm grateful she doesn't back away. I glance at her eyes, her lips, and then I move passed them to her ear. "Would you have dinner with me?" 

I back away slowly unsure of what I may encounter. 

Sara knits her brow in confusion, but her chocolate orbs swim without question. 

I lick my lips. My mouth feels so dry. 

She still remains quiet as she drops her attention to her hands. 

I lick my lips again preparing to speak. "We don't really talk as much as we used to and after the rough cases we've had this year I thought you seemed distracted from work and..." 

I trail off when her body stiffens considerably. 

She looks up at me again. "The answer is no, Grissom. I-I'm sorry but I can't." 

Without any explanation she hurriedly walks away. 

My hand, now limply at my side, is still warm from touching her bare skin. What just happened? 

Suddenly, I look around relieved to see my three coworkers are still preoccupied with laughter at the mini-bar and were unable to bear witness to what just happened. I'm not even sure what just happened. 

Why did I do such a stupid senseless thing? 

The night offered no signs that she or I was ready, but when I felt her lips on my cheek every sense was sharpened and my mind no longer ruled over me. The second kiss made me aware of how her soft lips felt against my skin. When she stepped away I was sure I would see everything I wanted to see, but I was wrong. She looked saddened as she turned to leave. It was then I wasn't accepting of her acts dictated by tradition. It was then I realized the look in her eyes wasn't welcoming anymore --the kisses felt like she was saying good-bye. The year of inconsistencies and hurting was leaving and she would start a new year because she had finally stopped waiting. 

My hand refused to let her wrist go. I was fearful repairing the damage I inflicted was beyond me and nothing I could do would stop her. Yet I had to try. I saw my only opportunity to right some of the wrongs, and I took it. Only now do I realize how stupid it really was. 

Should I be surprised by her answer? No. Considering the circumstances, I shouldn't be shocked at all. Yet I am. I am shocked and pained to be...rejected? I guess the term is fitting. Honestly and quite arrogantly I thought Sara would wait. That isn't so at all. My offer was too late. 

Time must yet again be against me. I'm reminded of her second year with me when I was willing to take steps towards her and not away. I told her she was responsible for the beauty in my life, and I meant it. But my sudden lapse of hearing was like shutting the door on that part of my life. I needed to rethink things, and rethinking often leads to distancing and hiding. I was apt to keep away from every member of my team, but Sara suffered the most from my secrecy. 

The paramedic was my first wake up call that she was young, much younger than myself, and deserved to be with someone who could give her what she wanted. The thought that she would wait on me seemed so foolish then. I accepted it glaringly, but I did understand. The talk I had with myself always ended with Sara's relief that I spared her the pain of being with someone like me. 

Alas, love cannot be turned off by a flick of the switch as I learned quite regretfully last year. 

I mean that _caring_ for someone isn't easily abandoned, as I learned regretfully last year. Love is a big word with large implications. But I really think it is too late to wonder which word is of better use. 

I do know it actually _aches_ to fathom the end of my relationship with Sara. I use relationship as a broad term, and in this case very general and broad indeed. Nothing will be the same again after tonight. Our already damaged friendship may not withstand another year and she may leave Vegas for good. Yes, _ache_ is the perfect word for what I am feeling right now. Surely, I wouldn't be feeling so lost and hopeless if she was just another woman or coworker. 

Of course I always knew she was special, but I wasn't tempted to learn why in as great a rush as I should have been. Catherine refers to them as "burns", but frankly they are my inability to get too close to a woman because of past experiences. It has served me well over the years, as lonely as they have been, but that was...until I met Sara. The woman that broke the mold and with it all my rules. Sara Sidle- 5'9 brunette, compassionate, intelligent, radiant, and beautiful in every way imaginable. 

I shouldn't be thinking like this anyway. My feelings will subside in time. After all Sara has made her decision and seems intentional in following through. If I am too late, at least I should offer her an apology for asking her to dinner. I will explain my concerns for her well-being from what I've seen at work, and again apologize for being unprofessional. It doesn't offer me comfort, but if I upset her then maybe she'll appreciate the closure. I'll promise to never do such a thing again, and I won't. She's made herself clear and I couldn't stand up to more rejection anyway. Not from Sara. Not from the Sara I place so highly. Perchance, a simple apology will be enough to keep the straining threads of our friendship sewn together. It is worth a try. Sara was always worth the effort. She may always will be. 

"Grissom, you okay?" 

I look at Nick but don't see him. "Excuse me, Nick." 

"Sure thing..." 

He and his voice trail off as I walk in the direction Sara fled. I hope against all odds that she got in her car and went home. I guess I should have asked Nick. The kitchen is the first place I look, but she isn't there. I check the coat rack and her jacket is still there, so I continue throughout the major parts of the house. 

I pass the dinning area once, but on the trip back I finally see her isolated figure beyond the glass sliding doors that lead to the deck. I go to the glass to be sure. 

She stands facing away from me and seeing her I begin to step away thinking she needs her time alone, but I cannot. The darkness seems so heavily around her. I realize how crucial my presence may be. 

I slip out but she doesn't turn around. "Sara?" 

_tbc_ 


	7. Unravel Me

**Ch. 7: Unravel Me [sara pov]**

The cold air stings my eyes instantly. The stars above burn brightly while the moon cannot decide which cloud it wants to hide behind, which is a lot like what I'm doing: trying to find a place to hide. 

I just had to get away from them. No I had to get away from him. My first mistake was sitting next to him. It was so stupid of me. I always do something dimwitted to make matters as worse as possible. Of course he doesn't make anything easier. He sat there looking into me like no one else can and asked me my deepest memory of the holidays. The second mistake was the New Year kiss on the cheeks. Who in the name of creation came up with that lame-ass excuse to kiss everyone?! I should have shook his hand. That would show him just how far the wound lies. Maybe he wouldn't have sprung this crazy idea on me. Does he even realize how much he has hurt me? Does he think dinner can fixed all the wrongs?! I'm so angry. I'm angry with myself, my colleagues for insisting I be here, the bitter cold now stinging my lungs as I try to suck in as much air to calm myself, and I'm pissed off with Grissom. 

Doesn't he deserve some of the blame, possibly the largest portion, of my strife? Dinner?! Damn him for doing this to me! I'll show him what happens...jerk! Four years! Four years that I cannot get back, or change no matter how long I stand here. I knew coming to this party would be a big mistake. This night shouldn't have happened. Why did this happen? Why can't he... 

"Sara?" 

I instantly go rigid. "Grissom go back inside." 

"We need to talk." He refuses to stand next to me as he speaks and I will not turn to look at him. 

"Since when do you want to talk?" 

He exhales sharply. "Sara would you just look at me?" 

I say nothing still staring off into the night. 

"Sara, I'm sorry if I was out of line by asking you to dinner. I came out here to apologize." 

"Apology not accepted." 

There is a long pause. The quarter moon above us shines brightly for a moment. I want to cry more now more than ever. I want to let out all my frustration. I want to collapse on the ground and cry with fury and pain, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. 

"Sara, please look at me? I need to see your face." 

I round on him completely, threatening tears. "Is this any better?!" 

"Yes, I mean no. I mean..." He frowns rethinking himself. "Is this about work?" 

His voice holds great doubt that this is why I am so upset. It was like when he saw my face, he realized what he came out here to say, whatever it was, really had no place anymore and he was grasping for straws. But letting my anger flare, I decide to help him. 

"Grissom, this isn't about work anymore! This is about how_ every_ time I get close to you, you back away. _Every_ time I stay away, you draw me back. And _every_ time I vow that I won't allow you to do this, you find a way to give me false hopes. I wanted to see where dinner would take us and you said no. I finally stepped back. That's what _you_ wanted remember? But now I think you haven't got a clue what you really want." 

He looks like I slapped him. "I think I should go back inside." 

"No! You wanted to talk, so let's talk. Let me start. Did you know I sometimes wish, I _wish_ Grissom, that I never accepted your phone call to bring me here? On the days you won't even look at me, I wish I never agreed to stay. I want it so badly it _hurts_. Did you know that? 

"Then I realize how much worse I'd feel if I ever lost you." 

The first tear escapes me. 

"You are my closest and dearest friend, and you won't even give me a second glance. I see you almost every day of the week, but you ignore me! You pretend not to see me! You have no idea what it is like to feel this way! You treat me like I don't exist, then ask me to dinner? Why?! To discuss my work performance?! Dammit, Grissom I didn't want to have dinner with my colleague! I wanted to have dinner with you!" 

I angrily brush away the tears pouring down my hot cheeks. 

"Now do you see why I cannot go to dinner with you? It's because I cannot take the games anymore! I cannot handle being nothing but your CSI anymore! I just can't hurt anymore!" 

"I asked you to dinner because I didn't want another year like this one." He says quickly, now brimming with frustration of his own. 

I coil back. 

"I am sorry! I am!" He lashes out again letting all his fear and confusion rush out of him. "But I do know how it feels and that is something _you_ don't understand!" 

"How can I understand if you don't tell me?!" I cry out straightening my shoulders. "How can I even get close to you if you won't look at me?!" 

"Goddammit Sara, I do see you and I do love you!" His eyes close immediately, as if every ounce of energy is gone from his body. 

The statement dies easily in the neighborhood surrounded by darkness, but it echoes in my fluttering heart beat for I am remind with every thud. 

What? 

_Love_ me? 

No. 

"N-n-no you don't." I stutter feeling like a complete fool. 

"Yes I do." His eyes open and his voice wavers slightly, but he holds my eyes with bright ones where I see only calm confidence in his words. 

"Then why?" I exclaim quieter now. "Why would put me through so much?" 

"Believe it or not that is exactly why I put you through so much, because I was and still am afraid to be in love with you." 

He drops his head again. 

"Sara...I..." 

I go to him like I've always wanted to do. "Why are you so afraid? Don't you trust me enough to at least see where it could take us?" 

He raises his head and his hand immediately goes to my face. They are so warm wiping away the wet trails on my cheek, as warm as his blue eyes. 

"And if it's not the way you imagined?" He asks softly. 

"It would still be much better than losing you completely without knowing what could have been." I take his hand from my face and squeeze it. 

"Sara this could be such a big mistake." His tone is one of familiarity and one of reason, but also one of trepidation. 

I cannot stop myself. My lips lightly touch his instantly without any doubt that this is where they should have been all along. Our eyes fall closed with ecstasy while I open my mouth encouraging him. His arms wrap tightly around me pulling us even closer to fuel the probing kiss into something more sensual. The salty tears on my lips mix with our tongues to further excite my taste buds. I moan unaware of it at first, but when his hands squeeze my hips I moan again to convey my pure longing to be with him. 

He begins to back away, perhaps because he is embarrassed, but I hold onto him unwilling to allow our first kiss to end. He doesn't object. He dives back into my mouth with even more vigor and yearning. I grip his shirt in my hands to pull his body as close to me as possible. The cold air surrounding us no longer has a place to take residence. He is so utterly warm and inviting. I love you, I love you, I love you, I say unable to see how such a phrase could ever grow tired and meaningless. 

I press against him exploringly. His tongue lashes out one final time before slowly backing away again. Reluctantly we break the kiss and stand fully charged and hypersensitive. 

"Do you still think it is a mistake?" I say gulping in cold amounts of air. 

He smiles sheepishly. "No." 

Our breathing forms white clouds between us, and I want to fight it off with another kiss. 

He reads my eyes well, and takes me into his comforting arms hugging my body. His rapid heart pounds excitedly against me. Oh I love this man so much, I say to myself as my eyes go shut again. 

"I'm sorry for ever hurting you." He whispers next to my ear. He places a gentle kiss on my neck. "Give me time and I'll show you how much I love you." 

I've waited so long to be with him and now I am in his arms feeling completely safe. I start to cry with relief and exhaustion. 

"Yes." I mutter holding onto him like a final lifeline. 

"So is this a 'yes' to dinner?" 

I can feel him smiling. 

"Yes." I finally open my eyes and a giant smile leaps onto my face. "Um...Grissom?" 

He pulls away slightly worried. "Yeah?" 

I point behind him. "We have an audience." 

He turns around in time to see three faces pressed to the glass of the door. I give a little wave. They all scatter except Nick, who waves frantically back before being pulled away. 

Grissom turns back to me. "So what's next?" 

"Do you think they would be upset if we just left?" I ask enjoying the scruffiness of his beard as I touch his face. 

"Where would we go at..." He glances at his watch. "Twelve twenty-three in the morning on New Year's Day?" 

I cannot stop myself from smiling and growing flush. "My place or yours?" 

_the end_ 


End file.
